Discussion in 'Other Guitars' started by CATMANDUE, Dec 3, 2016.
Wow! Now that is ugly!
It literally is in the shape of a pile of dog vomit that was left to spread out on the floor under it's own weight & viscosity. YUK!
Not to mention that the pick guard literally looks like dog vomit
That's a Tonika.. The first guitar the USSR tried to make.. unplayable but built like a brick.. you could beat people to death with it.
Moldy dog vomit.
I used to have one.
It really is hideous & Fugly as a Siberian Hooker with rotten teeth wearing used ragged hand me down clothing while sporting greasy uncombed, unwashed hair with complimentary head lice with an obligatory babushka full of pubic crabs!
Not that I wouldn't hit that $#!t after a good Saturday night drunk while touring Siberia mind you.
That's what all of our guitars will look like after the third world war.
DrB is right... It's a mutated Fender!
BAAW Haw haw!
Dude! Ya gotta try this Chernobylcaster! This guitar will melt yer face off!
I'm not a LP fan so......
I just watched that the other day on TCM. Awesome. Both funny & poignant and still relevant today.
And I'm a big Slim Pickins fan too!
I have a soft spot for the truly radical and ugly designs, like the Gibson Corvus or some of those really crazy Japanese axes with a myriad of knobs and switches and pickups. There's such an attitude of "why not" behind it all, and perhaps it's my fundamental misgivings about strict traditionalism in instrument manufacturing that make me really actually love them.
However, the guitars that really, truly bother me are the ones where something - maybe just one or two things - are decidedly "off." It's a bit like the newer Toyota Camrys (Camries?) with their fake rear window extensions on the rear roof pillars. Once you see it, you cannot "un-see" it.
Exhibit A: More window? Lies. All lies, I tell you.
Without further ado, my top 5 ugliest guitars (that you can buy right now):
5. Dean Caddilac Series
I could discuss all day what's wrong with this headstock, not just from an aesthetic perspective, but from a functional one as well. Regardless, there's nothing tremendously wrong with the body shape - I actually very much like that little nub of an upper cutaway - but that... appendage on the lower cutaway. It's a swollen, inflamed appendix about to burst. I must do emergency surgery. *snaps glove*
4. ESP Viper Series
I friggin' love the SG. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. And I understand that the classic Gibson design must be modified in some way to avoid legal issues. But where I find the carved, single-cutaway ESP guitars to be dead sexy from almost any angle (not to mention instantly recognizable), this ESP... Thing® looks like someone was trying to copy the SG having only seen one in the reflections of fun-house mirrors. It might not actually be so bad if even the danged inlays didn't reinforce that aesthetic. It also might look just fine hanging on a wall, provided your foundation has shifted 15, maybe 20 degrees...
3. Gibson Firebird Zero
It's backwards, and way too small. Insert double entendre here.
2. G&L Comanche Semi-Hollow
G&L has a weird habit of adding random bits and baubles to classic Fender designs, resulting in some pretty awkward-looking guitars. So why not go the extra mile and add an F-hole to an already-way-too-busy-looking Strat too? I'm actually kind of surprised they didn't add a few more strap buttons, a couple of extra chicken-head knobs, maybe a Switchcraft-style toggle to the upper horn, and perhaps a duct-taped filtertron pickup to the back of the neck. I can only assume the case comes with Jethro Tull stickers pre-applied.
1. Gretsch G5034TFT Rancher Electric/Acoustic
I know what you're thinking. "Cliff, there's way more than one thing wrong with this hideous contraption cobbled together from the various gilded bits swept up from the Gretsch manufacturing floor and constructed haphazardly by the armies of darkness while collectively shoving mouthfuls of expired ketamine pills into their faces." And you'd be correct! But it's only real, true problem is the fact that this thing actually exists. And you know what? I WANT ONE.
After looking at your 5 ugliest it seems to me that your eye objects to non-linear curves & arches that lack symmetry.
I get it & those very guitars bother me too for that reason. I reckon some look at this as 'style'. Unfortunately for me this off kilter unblanced look just kicks me right in my OCD buttocks! lol
The Gretsch though is a different issue & probably just smacks your sensibilities by it having both an electric guitars pickup & Vibrato on a full blown un-dampered acoustic.
Hey, maybe it has some magic engineering properties I don't know or even really care about but again, I get why it strikes your eye as being just wrong looking but.... it is pretty symmetrical. Maybe that's why you WANT one!?? lol.
Man, you guys got some cool ones!
I dunno, I'd buy that. I'd put some covered Carvins in it and let my inner hair metal out.
It needs exhaust pipes, there's a similar one out there somewhere, I've seen pictures
Endorsed by Wonder Woman's cousin!
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